More Than Two: Getting Into The Swing Of Things

For swinging couples, three is hardly a crowd. Sometimes, the more people they let into their bed, the merrier. We speak to couples and experts on the ups and downs of the lifestyle.

t’s date night. The loving couple had a great time.
The romantic evening comes to an end. It’s time to hit the sack.

They bid each other goodbye, and head off to spend the night in someone else’s bed.

I

But this is not a case of infidelity, or the plot of Wong Kar Wai’s In the Mood for Love. Both of them know exactly what is happening. In fact, it’s the very reason why the two of them are together.

Welcome to the world of swinging.

According to Urban Dictionary, swinging is a non-monogamous lifestyle where sexual relations occur outside the established couple. Singles can also swing.

Not only does the community exist in Singapore, there are nearly 26,000 members in a local-based forum for swinging and other fetish-related topics.

Relationship therapist at Aspire Counselling Maria Luedeke said human beings derive satisfaction and happiness from experiencing new and different things. For swingers, if sexual experiences with others will bring joy to their partners, they are happy to oblige.

“And in theory, that sounds great,” said Dr Luedeke.

But in reality, things are a lot more complicated.

A self-professed “very sexual person”, Michelle, 17, has attended swing parties with her boyfriend, Amb, since the middle of last year.

She knows she is considered young in such a community.

“People obviously will judge me, and there’s always that excuse that I’m young so I shouldn’t be delving into these kinds of things. It’s just something I have to deal with,” she said.

But things got messy when she started seeing ‘friends with benefits’ outside of their relationship while her boyfriend was on holiday last December. While he agreed to the idea, not setting any boundaries was their mistake.

Adding that Amb, 24, was “very understanding”, Michelle said they drafted a set of rules right after he came back to Singapore. She now has two partners outside the relationship.

Shared boundaries are important, Michelle said. “I think it gives us a safe space to engage in this kind of sexual play without betraying each other.”

This is the first swinging relationship for the pair, who met on confessions app Whisper, and “dived right into” the lifestyle when Amb brought Michelle to her first swinging session a month later. Since then, they have attended three sessions together.

Amb, who works in cyber security, added: “We both value loyalty in this relationship quite a lot. So we created boundaries to decide what is acceptable, what is not and what the negotiable space is, where we will experiment as we go along.”

The couple has no plans to stop swinging unless it gets in the way of the relationship. “Maybe if we have problems communicating because of something or because someone steps out of line,” Michelle added.

__
Modern love is more than just a game for two. Join Salt and Pepper as they explore monogamy, swinging and polyamory.

Love affairs

Sex therapist Erin Chen, said even monogamous couples should discuss their boundaries. “For example, what is cheating? Just because you’re in a monogamous relationship, I think some people have this false belief that nothing bad will happen or you’re stuck with each other forever.

“No, it’s still a choice. Monogamy is a choice, just like swinging is a choice.”

But swinging is not for everyone. In a survey conducted for this project, 60 per cent of 160 Singaporeans aged 18 to 30 found it unacceptable.

Susan Ooi, a 26-year-old Malaysian who lives in Singapore, supports monogamy and thinks swinging is fine for singles because “they have no partner to answer to”. They are only responsible for themselves.

But for couples, she believes people should be committed to their partner, sharing emotional, financial and sexual responsibilities with each other.

In swinging, Susan thinks this bond is not respected.

“If one can have sexual activities with any other person, one of the important and exclusive portions of a relationship is taken away. What does that leave us with?”

The Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) agrees that trust and commitment are important in a marriage and a family.

“Websites promoting non-monogamous behaviour such as swinging run counter to our social norms that value monogamous relationships,” said an MSF spokesman.

“They encourage promiscuity and infidelity, and in doing so, undermine the institutions of marriage and family, which in turn weakens our social fabric.” The spokesman advised Singaporeans to exercise “good judgement” when confronted by such content online.

“At the end of the day, our best defence is for society, communities and our families to reinforce good values that anchor us so that we do not to succumb to such influences,” added the spokesman.

“If one can have sexual activities with any other person, one of the important and exclusive portions of a relationship is taken away. What does that leave us with?”

- Susan Ooi, embryologist

Non-monogamous behaviour has an effect on the nuclear family unit, as it is confusing to children, said Dr Luedeke. “If there are people who are constantly rotating through their lives, that creates a real sense of anxiety for a child.

“Once they start moving into adolescence, that also creates issues because that’s when teens are starting to look into how they have relationships with people,” she said.

Lusting for love

Even if children are not involved, there are other things to consider in a swinging relationship.

Dr Luedeke said all parties have to be consenting and very secure in their relationships. Couples may get jealous and disagree about where the boundaries should lie.

“They have to be really committed to their boundaries and continually discussing and re-defining their boundaries, so communication is important.”

Dart, a 35-year-old bartender, and his girlfriend Dee, 22, have been in a relationship since late 2016. They are not strictly swingers, but are in what they call a ‘stag-and-vixen’ relationship. Only Dee engages in sexual activity, or ‘plays’ with other men during their sessions, while Dart keeps a watchful eye.

According to Dart, the secret to a stable swinging relationship is separating love and lust.

“For example, when she plays I give her full rein. When all is done and everybody has come, she comes back into my arms,” said Dart.

“This to me is an affirmation of love, confirming where your heart lies versus where your lust lies.”

It sounds simple, but Dart admits separating love and lust is not for everyone, and Dr Luedeke agrees. The two often overlap, she said, because people seek out love and belonging in their sexual relationships as they need a sense of connection.

How open are we to experience and experiment with our sexuality? How secure are we in our relationships? Are all our emotional needs met? These are some questions individuals can ask themselves to choose whether swinging is for them, said Dr Luedeke.

An upward swing

A sizeable pool of people in Singapore seem to have decided it is for them after all. Besides the 26,000 Singaporeans on online forum Undertable Swingers Club (USC), there are also groups on Meetup, a social networking site for people to organise group meetings.

USC founder Mac Seah, 35, said he created the forum in 2012. It was a general online discussion board at first, but somehow evolved to centre around more fetish-related topics.

__
The Undertable Swingers Club has over 54,000 members across Asia.

Mac, who also dabbles in swinging, said the forum is growing at a steady pace.

“It is obvious that swingers are here to stay.”

The demographic of the community is largely working adults ranging from about 26 to 45 years old, who are more motivated to explore out of the box. “Singapore is a pressure pot, and that can cause people to take different approaches, with one being exploring fetishes.”

Tough love

But Mac thinks some new members have unrealistic expectations about the lifestyle.

He said: “Many people are influenced by porn when they join our community. They will have to take the time to understand that the swinger lifestyle is much more than what porn can portray.

“Many users we have joined us because they are looking for the reassurance that they are not the only ones on this journey. And many of us end up making more friends than bedroom partners. Unlike what most outsiders believe, it’s the friendship connections that matter most here.”

Psychologist Bobby Cheon from Nanyang Technological University agreed that private groups can provide support within a community.

He added that as deviant sexual behaviours are social or interpersonal activities, private groups may be especially essential.

In our conversations, Mac emphasised multiple times that he was cautious when answering questions as he is “on high alert not to self-advertise”. His concern was publicising swinging with the “wrong direction” or “encouraging the wrong people” to swing, including students and sex workers.

The few couples or singles we spoke to on USC were also extremely discreet and particular about their privacy, with many of them making it clear they did not trust us.

Prof Cheon said they could be afraid of the shame and rejection they may face if exposed. “A central goal is to avoid situations that would lead to being labelled with the trait.”

But Dart and Dee are open about their lifestyle online. The couple run a blog with more than 6,000 followers on Tumblr, where they post explicit photos of their escapades and search for like-minded parties to join the next session they host.

Putting infidelity to bed

Dart, who has been divorced twice, believes swinging can save unhappy marriages. Citing infidelity as the number one reason for divorces in Singapore, he thinks people cheat because they’re not getting something from their relationship, be it physically or emotionally.

“If we could, we would open a school to teach people how to separate their emotions from their physical lust,” he said.

John*, 42, an expat who has been married for over 15 years, recently entered an open relationship with his wife, after she found out he had an extra-marital affair and multiple sugar babies.

“This to me is an affirmation of love, confirming where your heart lies versus where your lust lies.”

- Dart, swinger

The father of two school-going children said: “As we both wanted to preserve the marriage and she wanted to prevent me from doing something behind her back, she offered an open relationship. She was also interested to try another partner for the sexual experience factor yet not be emotionally attached.

“We’ve discussed what boundaries would be acceptable. That way we’re both in it, not just one person looking out for themselves.”

Dr Luedeke has seen many cases of infidelity in her work, and cautions against using an open relationship or swinging to “solve” a marriage.

“I think that’s a really bad idea. There’s obviously something underlying that needs to be addressed before they do anything else. Inviting someone else into your relationship when your relationship isn’t stable is a recipe for disaster.”

An open mind

One thing all the couples we interviewed agreed on was that swinging helped them to communicate openly and honestly with each other.

“My exes were not keen on doing this kind of stuff, so it was a little disappointing but I accepted it as part of compromise in a relationship,” said Amb. “With Michelle I think it’s better because we’re a bit more open about what we want.”

Dee said: “I think after being in this relationship, I rarely keep secrets. I just feel the need to tell him.”

Admitting that he used to keep many secrets in his previous relationships, Dart said this relationship opened up his mind.

“Being in this relationship has given me the courage to just be honest with her. Whatever it is I’m hiding, there’s no need to hide any more. That’s basically the core of every relationship.”▝

* Names changed to protect their identities

The Naked Truth About Why Nudity Makes Us Uncomfortable

Also hot off the press

We Hung Out With Naked People The Legal Way

In A Country Where Xtube Is Banned, People Are Creating Their Own Porn Instead

Women Are Changing The Way We Look At Sex Toys

Let's Talk About Sex

The High Cost Of Selling Sex

The Growing Pains Of Singapore's BDSM Scene

More Than Two: Getting Into The Swing Of Things

For swinging couples, three is hardly a crowd. Sometimes, the more people they let into their bed, the merrier. We speak to couples and experts on the ups and downs of the lifestyle.

t’s date night. The loving couple had a great time. The romantic evening comes to an end. It’s time to hit the sack.

They bid each other goodbye, and head off to spend the night in someone else’s bed.

I

But this is not a case of infidelity, or the plot of Wong Kar Wai’s In the Mood for Love. Both of them know exactly what is happening. In fact, it’s the very reason why the two of them are together.

Welcome to the world of swinging.

​

According to Urban Dictionary, swinging is a non-monogamous lifestyle where sexual relations occur outside the established couple. Singles can also swing.

​

Not only does the community exist in Singapore, there are nearly 26,000 members in a local-based forum for swinging and other fetish-related topics.

Relationship therapist at Aspire Counselling Maria Luedeke said human beings derive satisfaction and happiness from experiencing new and different things. For swingers, if sexual experiences with others will bring joy to their partners, they are happy to oblige.

“And in theory, that sounds great,” said Dr Luedeke.

But in reality, things are a lot more complicated.

A self-professed “very sexual person”, Michelle*, 17, has attended swing parties with her boyfriend, Amb*, since the middle of last year.

She knows she is considered young in such a community.

“People obviously will judge me, and there’s always that excuse that I’m young so I shouldn’t be delving into these kinds of things. It’s just something I have to deal with,” she said.

But things got messy when she started seeing ‘friends with benefits’ outside of their relationship while her boyfriend was on holiday last December. While he agreed to the idea, not setting any boundaries was their mistake.

Adding that Amb, 24, was “very understanding”, Michelle said they drafted a set of rules right after he came back to Singapore. She now has two partners outside the relationship.

Shared boundaries are important, Michelle said. “I think it gives us a safe space to engage in this kind of sexual play without betraying each other.”

This is the first swinging relationship for the pair, who met on confessions app Whisper, and “dived right into” the lifestyle when Amb brought Michelle to her first swinging session a month later. Since then, they have attended three sessions together.

Amb, who works in cyber security, added: “We both value loyalty in this relationship quite a lot. So we created boundaries to decide what is acceptable, what is not and what the negotiable space is, where we will experiment as we go along.”

The couple has no plans to stop swinging unless it gets in the way of the relationship. “Maybe if we have problems communicating because of something or because someone steps out of line,” Michelle added.

Love affairs

Sex therapist Erin Chen, said even monogamous couples should discuss their boundaries. “For example, what is cheating? Just because you’re in a monogamous relationship, I think some people have this false belief that nothing bad will happen or you’re stuck with each other forever.

“No, it’s still a choice. Monogamy is a choice, just like swinging is a choice.”

But swinging is not for everyone. In a survey conducted for this project, 60 per cent of 160 Singaporeans aged 18 to 30 found it unacceptable.

​

Susan Ooi, a 26-year-old Malaysian who lives in Singapore, supports monogamy and thinks swinging is fine for singles because “they have no partner to answer to”. They are only responsible for themselves.

​

But for couples, she believes people should be committed to their partner, sharing emotional, financial and sexual responsibilities with each other.

In swinging, Susan thinks this bond is not respected.

“If one can have sexual activities with any other person, one of the important and exclusive portions of a relationship is taken away. What does that leave us with?”

The Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) agrees that trust and commitment are important in a marriage and a family. “Websites promoting non-monogamous behaviour such as swinging run counter to our social norms that value monogamous relationships,” said an MSF spokesman.

“They encourage promiscuity and infidelity, and in doing so, undermine the institutions of marriage and family, which in turn weakens our social fabric.” The spokesman advised Singaporeans to exercise “good judgement” when confronted by such content online.

“At the end of the day, our best defence is for society, communities and our families to reinforce good values that anchor us so that we do not to succumb to such influences,” added the spokesman.

“If one can have sexual activities with any other person, one of the important and exclusive portions of a relationship is taken away. What does that leave us with?”

- Susan Ooi, embryologist

Non-monogamous behaviour has an effect on the nuclear family unit, as it is confusing to children, said Dr Luedeke. “If there are people who are constantly rotating through their lives, that creates a real sense of anxiety for a child.

​

“Once they start moving into adolescence, that also creates issues because that’s when teens are starting to look into how they have relationships with people,” she said.

​

Lusting for love

​

Even if children are not involved, there are other things to consider in a swinging relationship.

Dr Luedeke said all parties have to be consenting and very secure in their relationships. Couples may get jealous and disagree about where the boundaries should lie.

“They have to be really committed to their boundaries and continually discussing and re-defining their boundaries, so communication is important.”

According to Dart, the secret to a stable swinging relationship is separating love and lust.

“For example, when she plays I give her full rein. When all is done and everybody has come, she comes back into my arms,” said Dart.

“This to me is an affirmation of love, confirming where your heart lies versus where your lust lies.”

It sounds simple, but Dart admits separating love and lust is not for everyone, and Dr Luedeke agrees. The two often overlap, she said, because people seek out love and belonging in their sexual relationships as they need a sense of connection.

How open are we to experience and experiment with our sexuality? How secure are we in our relationships? Are all our emotional needs met? These are some questions individuals can ask themselves to choose whether swinging is for them, said Dr Luedeke.

An upward swing

​

A sizeable pool of people in Singapore seem to have decided it is for them after all. Besides the 26,000 Singaporeans on online forum Undertable Swingers Club (USC), there are also groups on Meetup, a social networking site for people to organise group meetings.

USC founder Mac Seah, 35, said he created the forum in 2012. It was a general online discussion board at first, but somehow evolved to centre around more fetish-related topics.

Mac, who also dabbles in swinging, said the forum is growing at a steady pace.

“It is obvious that swingers are here to stay.”

​

The demographic of the community is largely working adults ranging from about 26 to 45 years old, who are more motivated to explore out of the box. “Singapore is a pressure pot, and that can cause people to take different approaches, with one being exploring fetishes.”

Tough love

​

But Mac thinks some new members have unrealistic expectations about the lifestyle.

​

He said: “Many people are influenced by porn when they join our community. They will have to take the time to understand that the swinger lifestyle is much more than what porn can portray.

​

“Many users we have joined us because they are looking for the reassurance that they are not the only ones on this journey. And many of us end up making more friends than bedroom partners. Unlike what most outsiders believe, it’s the friendship connections that matter most here.”

​

Psychologist Bobby Cheon from Nanyang Technological University agreed that private groups can provide support within a community.

​

He added that as deviant sexual behaviours are social or interpersonal activities, private groups may be especially essential.

The few couples or singles we spoke to on USC were also extremely discreet and particular about their privacy, with many of them making it clear they did not trust us.

​

Prof Cheon said they could be afraid of the shame and rejection they may face if exposed. “A central goal is to avoid situations that would lead to being labelled with the trait.”

​

But Dart and Dee are open about their lifestyle online. The couple run a blog with more than 6,000 followers on Tumblr, where they post explicit photos of their escapades and search for like-minded parties to join the next session they host.

Putting infidelity to bed

​

Dart, who has been divorced twice, believes swinging can save unhappy marriages. Citing infidelity as the number one reason for divorces in Singapore, he thinks people cheat because they’re not getting something from their relationship, be it physically or emotionally.

​

t’s date night. The loving couple had a great time.
The romantic evening comes to an end. It’s time to hit the sack.

A self-professed “very sexual person”, Michelle, 17, has attended swing parties with her boyfriend, Amb, since the middle of last year.

The Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) agrees that trust and commitment are important in a marriage and a family.

“Websites promoting non-monogamous behaviour such as swinging run counter to our social norms that value monogamous relationships,” said an MSF spokesman.