On the fringe

 

But finding that sense of belonging was not always easy.

 

“We have a general culture of skittishness around sex and sexuality,” said sociologist Sam Han, a professor at Nanyang Technological University (NTU). In a country already tight-lipped about sex, conversations about unusual practices like BDSM are harder to broach.  

 

This made it difficult for Amber* to talk to anyone when she discovered she liked rough sex after losing her virginity at 16. Information was not readily available back then, and she could only learn by chatting with strangers on Internet Relay Chat. For a long time, she felt alone.

 

“I thought there was something wrong with me,” said the 33-year-old. “But it felt good.”

 

For her, power imbalance was as erotic as it was romantic.

 

It wasn’t until she met her husband that she felt like she found her place. He brought Amber, then 20, to her first ‘munch’, a social event for the BDSM community. Members welcomed her and taught her what she needed to know.

 

“Different people have different sexual preferences and I see it as just another kind of preference,” said Amber. It took her four years, but she finally came to terms with who she was.

 

Hitting new highs

 

When the Fifty Shades trilogy was released, no one could have predicted its effect. People read it, watched it, loved it, hated it and fantasised about it.

Thanks to Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele’s bedroom scenes, interest in the local BDSM community spiked. Mistress Minky*, an organiser of munches in Singapore under the forum SGDomSub, said attendance rose after the release of Fifty Shades Of Grey, from the usual 20 to over 50 people.

 

We met Minky, 36, at a munch last December. People from the community — both new and seasoned — came together to mingle and discuss BDSM. An expatriate, part of the community for over 10 years, unbuttoned his office shirt to reveal a full latex suit underneath.

 

SGDomSub now has over 3,000 members, with four moderators and two administrators who plan monthly munches and themed parties.

 

“Now, people are definitely more willing to come out and get in touch with the community,” said Minky.
 

Amber, who is also the co-founder of SG Learn And Play (SLAP!), a group that provides educational BDSM classes, has seen an influx of young people.

 

“In the past few years, pop culture has been a lot more accepting towards BDSM,” she said. For example, Amber can now wear a collar or choker out, a trending fashion accessory in 2016.

 

“It is much easier to broach the conversation now with people than it was 10 years ago.”

 

New groups within the community have also emerged to cater to the younger crowd. One of them is U35, with monthly munches for those aged 18 to 35.

According to Prof Han, who specialises in new media studies, movies like Fifty Shades Of Grey have had a normalising effect on BDSM, establishing the community as part of a broader spectrum of sexuality.  

 

“As it becomes more normalised, then it becomes one option among many. It might not be your option, but you recognise it as an option,” he said.

 

Greater exposure to BDSM can also help de-stigmatise the community, as interacting with them shows people that they do not pose real risks, said NTU psychologist Bobby Cheon.

 

Minky also thinks being kinky is more common than expected.

 

“If you look at our magazines with sex columns, they are talking about kinks,” she said. “Try blindfolding, try tying or try cuffing your partner. Everyone thinks it’s just whips and canes, so this is too low on the scale for them to connect it to BDSM.”

 

Sensual, not sexual
 

“You whip people? You must be a pervert.” It’s a common response.

 

For many in the community, empathy can be hard to come by. “They think BDSM practitioners have some kind of mental sickness,” said Minky.

 

Amber, who is the submissive partner in her relationship, said: “I suppose the biggest misconception is that it stems from abuse. What you see is people being subjugated, being beaten. It is very hard to reconcile that he or she likes it.”

 

The line between BDSM as a sexual preference and a sexual disorder is often blurred. Sex addiction therapist at The Cabin, Brian Russman, considers BDSM a form of paraphilia, sexual behaviour outside the norm of human sexuality. The specialist addiction treatment centre also considers pain exchange — a sexual obsession with either causing or enduring pain or humiliation — as a category under sex addiction.

 

According to him, people who practise BDSM may risk pushing boundaries too far, damaging themselves physically by cutting, burning or even risking death.

 

But not all paraphilia is unhealthy. “People may enjoy pain exchange and not be diagnosed with a sexual disorder if it is not negatively affecting or impairing their function,” said Brian.

 

“What is healthy for one individual may not be for another. It would ultimately be based on that individual’s values or morals.”

 

Many people practise BDSM to spice up their bedroom activities. And it does not always end with sex, which is also a common misconception about BDSM, said Mistress Caittrin*, 24, a Singaporean dominatrix. Instead, it is about the gratification and pleasure one receives.

 

“It is about intense sensations, and we just use different methods to create these sensations as compared to those normal couples,” said Amber.