Let's Talk About Sex
… baby. To rephrase Salt-n-Pepa’s famous lines, not talking about it won’t make it disappear.
Although few people talk about sex, experts explain why we shouldn’t assume Singaporeans are as conservative as they seem.
ou’re at lunch with good friends. The conversation varies from Trump’s latest tweet to new additions to the Kardashian family.
The group even talks about politics, religion and abortion.
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But then someone brings up the topic of relationships, partners, and unexpectedly — sex.
Silence.
.
.
.
Singapore is conservative about sex — or so most people think. In a poll of 160 mainly young people, most believed the Lion City is sexually old-fashioned.
Institute of Policy Studies senior research fellow Mathew Mathews affirmed that we are still “rather conservative” when it comes to sex.
“There are more fixed definitions of what is acceptable sexual behaviour, and this is normally confined to marital relationships, even if this may not always be the lived-in experience for people,” said Dr Mathews, who was part of a team conducting a survey on social morality from 2012 to 2013.
For example, 80.3 per cent of more than 4,000 respondents said extra-marital affairs are always or almost always wrong. Over half of the respondents felt the same way about pre-marital sex.
But other experts think population surveys are not quite enough to determine whether we are conservative when it comes to sex, and noted that we lack independent data.
Sociologist Sam Han from Nanyang Technological University said this makes difficult discussions on sexuality even more difficult. “We don’t know where people are in terms of that kind of dynamic, so it’s hard to say Singapore is conservative sexually.”
National University of Singapore sociologist Laurence Leong agreed. “I prefer to say there is an official discourse about conservative society in Singapore, and that official discourse has led some people to believe that that is the case,” he said.
But what about laws? The state bans pornographic material and restricts nudity and sexual content in performances and films. Does this mean we are conservative?
Some experts don’t think so.
“In sociology, we view the law as an institutionalisation of collective values,” said Prof Han. “And values are never the norm. Values are ideals. Values are never what people actually practise. It’s what they would like to see.
“The law usually falls on the side of values, but not always. Sometimes, the law lags behind.”
Sex therapist Erin Chen, who founded the local Sexual Pleasure and Relationships Konversations (SPARK) Festival last year, said Singaporeans may not be conservative, but merely have fewer opportunities to talk and find out more about sex, compared to countries like America and Canada.
“In my experience, when people know what I do, they’ve been very open and curious whenever I create these events or spaces that feel safe and comfortable to people,” she said.
Dr Leong said sexually liberal practices can coexist with conservative ideas and laws. “It’s just a question of whether these lifestyles surface or not, whether you see or don’t see them. No matter what your laws ban, they will still always exist,” he said.
These sexually liberal communities thrive in the underbelly of Singapore — adult video creators, bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM) practitioners, swingers and more. Well hidden, but there.
Pillow talk
If there is a reticence to talk about sex, Prof Han believes it could be partly because sexuality is wrapped up in shame; or it could be a cultural, religious or generational issue.
Take undergraduate Shauna* for example. Her devout Muslim parents were shocked and angry when they found her sex toy in their living room.
“They told me to go pray to God. They said, ‘How can you have this kind of thing? Only guys can have this kind of thing.’
“I’m surprised they even knew what it was. I was going to tell them it was a back massager.”
Another sex toy user and undergraduate, Jennifer*, said she hides her toy from her Christian parents who disapprove of masturbation. “They think if you do it, you will have more sexual desires, and you cannot rein them in. Then you will start having
pre-marital sex.”
“I prefer to say there is an official discourse about conservative society in Singapore, and that official discourse has led some people to believe that that is the case.”
- Dr Laurence Leong, NUS sociologist
Dr Leong agrees there is often a moral undertone when discussing sex. This can be attributed to British colonial law founded on Judaeo-Christian values, which Singapore inherited.
“There’s this idea that sex is part of affection, part of love, part of marriage, and sex is necessary for reproduction. But at the same time, there’s a lot of moralising about it,” he said.
He believes people can be “very judgmental” and tend to react instead of respond, to the subject of sex.
Those with more extreme sexual preferences recognise that people judge them. Mistress Minky*, who is part of the BDSM community, said many people mistakenly believe all kinky people are perverts, have mental illnesses or are sex-crazed.
“They think we come into kink for the sole purpose of finding someone to have sex with. They think we’re easy that way.”
The way to combat such ‘mistaken beliefs’ is education — but that depends on who is doing the educating.
The birds and the bees
Did you find sex education in school useful? Probably not.
In Singapore, teens learn about reproduction in biology class. ‘Sexuality education’ also appears in the secondary school character and citizenship education syllabus, and is allocated five hours of class time per year. According to teachers, the syllabus promotes abstinence, and has not changed much in years.
Dr Chen said the level of understanding of sex is “really crappy”, and conversation about the topic is “sorely missing”. After founding the SPARK Festival, she said she received messages from people who started their own conversations about sex.
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Music streaming service Spotify compiled a list of "Top SG sex songs".
“That’s great because that’s how it all starts, with the sharing of knowledge. That’s how normalisation works.”
Prof Han added that the moral component of sexuality makes conversation difficult, but also makes education more important than ever. The rhetoric of simply shielding our eyes from sex is outdated, he said, because we are bombarded with more information than ever online.
“To tell someone to not look is ridiculous,” he said. “It takes visibility. It takes education. And it takes exposure.”
He believes parents, educators and the government should take responsibility for educating the young. “If you don’t feel comfortable with that, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you had a child, became an educator or took responsibility for a constituency.
“That’s the bigger issue. And that’s harder. You can’t force people to be more open about discussing sex, you have to make incremental changes.”
So, let’s talk about sex.▝
* Names changed to protect their identities
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